The English Language

Why the English language is so hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

More things to think about at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

School Teacher 1915

Rules for Lady Teachers - 1915
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:
a) sweep the floor at least once daily
b) scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water
c) clean the blackboards at least once a day
d) start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

More School Stuff at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of the yard sale: When trying to prove to someone that the item you're selling will work, it won't.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers
Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of the Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
The Law of Wal-Mart: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop carrying it.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

More Laws at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Rhetorical Questions

Do all screwdrivers belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you spin an Oriental person around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The related website is at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Store Front Signs

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you sent in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station : "Thank heaven for little grills."

More Amusements at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Absence Notes

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 29, 29, 30, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she was sick and under the doctor.

More Humor at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Admin Speak

If your administrator says:
~ Then what he actually means is:

That's very interesting. ~ I disagree.
I don't disagree.~ I disagree.
I don't totally disagree with you.~ You may be right, but I don't care.
You have to show some flexibility.~ You have to do it whether you want to or not.
We have an opportunity.~ You have a problem.
You obviously put a lot of work into this.~ This is awful.
In a perfect world.~ Just get it working and get it out the door.
Help me to understand.~ I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
You just don't understand our business.~ We don't understand our business.
You need to see the big picture.~ My boss thinks it's a good idea.
My mind is made up.~ I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion.
If you want to discuss it further, my door is always open.~ F%^$ you.
I appreciate your contribution.~ F%^$ you.
We're going to follow a strict methodology here.~ We're going to do it my way.
I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?~ I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
Cost of ownership is a significant issue.~ We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
We have to leverage our resources.~ You're working weekends.
Individual contributor.~ Employee who does real work.
Your project is on hold.~ We've put a bullet in it.
Wrong answer.~ You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
You needed to be more proactive.~ You should have protected me from myself.
I'd like your buy-in on this.~ I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
We want you to be the executive champion of this project.~ I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
We need to syndicate this decision.~ We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
We have to put on our marketing hats.~ We have to put ethics aside.
It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.~ I don't know how to do it.
It's a no-brainer.~ It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
I'm glad you asked me that.~ Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.~ One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.
There are larger issues at stake.~ I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.
I'll never lie to you.~ The truth will change frequently.
Our business is going through a paradigm shift.~ We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.
The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.~ The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

More Humor at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.

Student Answers

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"The largest organ in the human body is the head."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"Germinate means to become a naturalized German."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."
"A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."
"The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."
"The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."
"Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."
"We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."
"The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."
"English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."
"People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."
"Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."
"If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."

More Humor at ^www.TheMathWebSite^.com.