Irish Bulls

Here is some humor - affectionately known as
Irish Bulls - which leaves the reader with
a rather confused double take. The speaker
subtly combines two incongruous ideas, such
that the contradiction may almost go unnoticed.
Amuse your students and see how mentally quick they are.

"An Irish bull is always pregnant."

"Once you get started, you won't know where to begin."

"If you can't hear me at the back of the auditorium,
would you raise your hand."

"He gets up at six o'clock every morning no matter what time it is."
- Leo Rosten

"Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"If you weren't in one of the empty seats at the concert,
then you really missed something."

"Gentlemen, it's unanimous, we agree on nothing."

"Well your honor, I was sober enough to know that I was drunk."

"From now on we will offer police jobs to women regardless of sex."

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

Two men on a bus:
"How will I know when I get to my destination?"
"Watch me and get off the block before I do."

"An Irishman is never at peace except when he is fighting."

"An Irishman will die before letting himself
be buried outside of Ireland."

"A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
- Casey Stengel

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
- Yogi Berra

"No one goes to that restaurant any more. It's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra

"How will I know if you've been there?" asked Mack.
"Well, if I get there first, I'll make a blue chalk mark,
and if you get there first, you rub it out." replied Moran.
- Mack & Moran

"Heads I win, Tails you lose."

"Not being a bird, I can't be in two places at once."
- Sir Boyle Roche

"The cup of Ireland's sorrows has been
overflowing for centuries, and isn't full yet."
- Sir Boyle Roche

Charles Laughton once proudly announced to a friend
that he had come to Ireland to do a one-man show.
"That's great," said the friend, "who's in it?"

"I'm not sure I'll recognize my brother at the airport
after an absence of 45 years.
But I'm sure that he'll recognize me." said the man.
"How will he know you?" asked a friend.
"Well, I haven't been away."

"I'd give my last dollar to be a millionaire."

"If you break your leg falling out of that tree,
don't come running to me."

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize."

One medical student to another:
"I was finally given a real live cadaver to work on."

"You wouldn't recognize an act of kindness
if it hit you in the face."

Teacher to School Administrator:
"We just seem to be getting a larger percentage
of students in the lower one-third of the class."

Boss to employee:
"If you want to smoke in here, go outside."

"Tonight's attendance is 3423 people in the stadium,
including no shows due to the inclement weather."

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